Tag: setting limits

being sensitive

When You Come Last or How to Not Become a Resentful Jerk

designingfairy4 Comments

whenyoucomelast

I am exploring an old pattern.

When I was a little fairy, my loving Mom instilled in me to not be “selfish.” These lessons included putting others’ needs first, thinking about others’ feelings (hard not to when you are a raging empath), and watch to make sure you weren’t totally self-involved. We are raised by religion to always be of service and help others. I think I took it too far.

I give too much

My old pattern manifests itself as whiny “what about me?!” It isn’t pretty. It can be more quiet where I just whine and feel pity on myself acting like the girl who didn’t get asked to dance. Or it looks like ugly anger and resentment like, “Why isn’t anyone buying my stuff, dammit! Hello! What are you blind?” Or, those glorious slow seething blow-up moments where I want to pop barbie heads off and cry into my water when I find out only four people on Facebook Business page saw my post I labored on (thank you Facebook for limiting my reach only if I pay you money).

I have had slow moments in the past year where I barely had money for food and yet I was giving out a ton. That’s truly a large red flag I ignored.

I guess it is the “selfish” that tells me I need to keep giving to get, which I guarantee creates one heck of an energetic imbalance, and a giant hole within all areas of my life. In those moments, I think that is the only formula I have, but even in marketing we are told we need to share, share, share. The current trend lately is to give out FREE seminars, FREE everything to get business. (Did we all grow up with the same messed up beliefs?)

The problem is I like to give. I love to nurture and share. I have so much creative energy it feels foreign not to do six creative projects at once and share all of it. But I need to recognize when I am giving too much out and not getting what I need. My fabulous loved one reminded me the other day that I needed to take time out to give to myself. How sad I forgot and needed that reminder. I need to learn how to watch that energy pendulum for myself or I won’t have anything left to give. Examples are flooding my mind. I have this image of a child playing too long in the Arizona sun without enough water and falling over because he forgot to drink. Or my cell phone draining of energy and I can’t use it because it needs to be recharged into the wall. Do I yell at the kid he’s selfish or needy? How about the phone? He needs water to continue and the phone needs the charger. Why wouldn’t I have needs for my business or my personal time to keep going?

I am shifting this!

I guess it is a little like watching my milk intake and being vocally clear what I need. I have no problem with that one. I can tell a waiter, “No cheese please.” I don’t make excuses or whine, or cry about how I don’t matter, I just order. I need to express those limits and healthy boundaries. I need to make limits on how much I can give.

I wonder why it is so hard for me to learn how to ask for what I need and expect I will get it. Why is it so much easier to just take care of others? But the funny thing is, and I will let you know a little secret, I am happiest when my needs are met (like duh). When I am a little selfish  self-taking care of, it is kinda glorious. Having alone time in the forest, being able to write and make movies or design, makes me really, really happy. And when I am really, really happy, I am delightful to be around. I can give a lot and then I inspire those around me. The more I take care of me, the more I have to give. I am like my cell phone at full charge! And when I am neglected and not getting when I need, but still trying, and still giving out, I am, well, let’s admit it, a very cranky and whiny fairy. Yuck.

So there that overly-giving part of me! Do you hear all that?! It’s not selfish, it’s actually making me more helpful to others. It’s necessary! It’s how this thing should work.

Next time I feel empty, and I can’t pay bills, and I am giving and sharing, and I am invisible, and my needs matter the least, I will not whine and cry, it will be a clear sign I forgot to take care of myself. I will have to pry my tight, gripping hands from the sharing pattern for a moment. And a clear energetic symptom that I am on the right track will be I will feel lighter and freer and feel relief. I am lightening my load. I am back on track again.

What do you think? Have you had this experience too?

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Speaking of sharing, last session of Fairy and Empath Online classes start on Friday. I will be teaching creative classes over on my art site, but many classes here will be retired. Did you reserve your spaces? The catalog is here.

being sensitive · empath · empath class · Empath skills

Five Ways to Make Better Boundaries So You Don’t Get Pissy

designingfairy3 Comments

outsidein2

Yesterday I weeded. My entire yard is a giant weed from all the rain and early Spring. My allergies aren’t that bad so I sat down and began pulling, even though it seemed a daunting task when I began. Surveying around me I realized I might have made a small dent. I was fine for hours until mid afternoon and I felt like I was in the middle of a bad two-week cold with congestion and a voice that sounded like frog. Silly me, I forgot to create a boundary beforehand, meaning, take some allergy meds before I went outside to weed.

As per usual, the simple situations in life often mirror what I am learning, although learning how to set boundaries, as a sensitive empath, is probably my main lesson in this lifetime. But I have been forced to look at the many ways I don’t put in a preventative boundary in place or are reluctant to do so.

5 Ways I Need to Set Better Boundaries

Drum roll please…

1. I have to admit that I have pure panic when I am about to say NO and disappoint someone, or say I can’t do something. It’s usually happens when I need to take care of myself first and my body or needs are screaming. I am definitely a pleaser, and when I really care about someone, I want to please them BAD. And in prior relationships, if I said NO and spoke how I felt, I was punished in some way, so there’s a part of me waiting for the sentence or aftermath. I don’t please you, you won’t like me anymore. I will suffer by being ignored, rejected, or worse. (I actually have one friend I am terrified to speak up to and disagree with for fear of the aftermath.) Since as a sensitive I am FINALLY learning that I have limited energy reserves since I overload easily, and I am recognizing my limits and when I simply need that time-out. It’s my responsibility to let others know this, and hopefully, they will respect my needs and not take it personally because it isn’t about them.

2. I need to learn how to put boundaries up on others’ demands. I’ve never been good with this one. This falls into the category of pleasing others vs. pleasing myself also. It’s funny how everything goes around in circles back to that solid fear of punishment. Dang, maybe I need to look at that.

3. I need to not get others involved in my relationships. When everyone else is involved or has a say in your relationship, even from a place of concern or love, it still isn’t a good idea. They have no idea all the small pieces or details, they only hear you when you are upset, and then you invite them into a space they don’t need to carry, and then they are upset. Plus, they have their own ideas, fears, and experiences that cloud you. Nothing like having a well-placed fear that you didn’t have before fester inside. This goes for projects too. I realized a long time ago, that I only share what I am doing AFTER the fact. Going back to school? Working on a children’s book? Changing your hair color? Show/tell them after you did it. Trust me on this one.

4. Learn that not everyone has the same boundaries. A few of my extroverted acquaintances can talk my ear off all day or would probably visit and not leave, and my introverted self wants to simultaneously combust at the thought of it. Not because I don’t like them, but I’ve got that limited reserve thing. Some friends don’t need a lot of space or have no problem sharing important details of their lives, but I need space and privacy. One is not bad or good, it is just learning each other’s boundary language.

5. I need to ask for what I want and need. Lordy, this is a big one, and fits in with the other four. I see the roots of this one going deep down into the ground. I’m afraid to ask for what I need. Whether it’s support, or help (a big one), or more time to complete a task, or a shoulder to cry on when I need it (never been good at asking for this one), or attention, or money for what I offer (don’t want to be too pushy). This falls under boundaries, because when I communicate these things I help others to respond to me better. It’s a more direct route then pouting, assuming, resenting…you get the idea.

And finally…a big little hint

And a little hint, any area where you are feeling like you want to scream, “Get out of my f*cking space!” is a strong indication that one of your fences has been breached and you hit a boundary. Anger has its purpose.

How about you? Do you relate? Having a tough time with these areas setting boundaries?

Off to take some much needed Benadryl.

Fairy blessings,

designingfairysig

 

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So incidentally, I write more about boundaries in my two fav classes, Better Boundaries for the Sensitive, and Empath Skills class. Both have a new session starting March 20th. Go sign up to learn more!

being sensitive

The Sensitive NEEDS to Set Limits

designingfairy4 Comments

chickenperson (2)As I write this, I hear the neighbor chickens caw and whistle loudly, which brings up how the last few weeks I’ve been rushing around like a crazy chicken. (No offense to the chickens, but you do get very loud when you lay eggs.) I’ve been trying to be very responsible, be good, get things done, and I feel like I’ve been attempting to please some unknown source by all of my activity. The expectations and my to do list have overwhelmed me and the list seems to grow like a weed.

Listening to my wise basset hound yesterday, I took some time out to relax this weekend, sit on a swing in Nature and contemplate what the rush was all about. Immediately, guidance came in that I needed to make a schedule. I’ve been busy with my business, but then I also took on a part time job that I love. I hadn’t entirely juggled the two yet.

Mapping out the schedule of what I needed to do and placing it in little time blocks, I had an epiphany at 3:30 in the afternoon.

schedule

I’m visual and it was all there in a clear picture. What I was asking of myself was unrealistic, even insane. I could see before me that I only had a certain amount of hours in the day to do what I needed to do and I was expecting so much more.

This is not a new struggle.

As a sensitive person, I often forget that I do overwhelm easier than most because I take in so much information and feelings at once, but I insist on to living as a non-sensitive, driven person. I guess in some ways, I would be considered what Elaine Aron would call a “high sensation seeking sensitive,” I bore easily and I have a ton of creative, hummingbird energy which soups me up. I also come from a successful, achievement-oriented family, which translates to driven, and ambitious. Back in the day, I used to be Type B and I liked it. But now I found myself hearing that small voice inside of me whispering “not enough yet, keep pushing.”

That voice didn’t matter now. I had the proof in front of me. Unless I cloned myself or hired several assistants to do the work I wanted to do for me, it wasn’t going to happen. I was going to have to set limits with that very real voice. Sorry, voice, but here’s the schedule, here’s the time I have allotted, and unless, you can find me an extra seven hours in the day, this is staying.

I reflected on my parents’ lives. My dad had his own business and worked what seemed like twelve hour days. He didn’t have to raise children, clean house, or make dinner. He could focus on just work. When my mom went back to school and then work, she also brought work home to do, and I don’t know how she did it. She still had to cook, run a household, and take care of a family. No wonder she had back problems. I think deep down I was trying to emulate her and instead of back issues, I had headaches.

I looked at my own life in comparison. My life right now is as a single animal mom and I juggle the pt job, the business, my own ambitions and schooling, the incontinent, elderly dog who needs help getting around, the large yard that needs tending, the rest of the menagerie and their health issues, and it doesn’t seem like that much, but looking at this schedule, I realize for me, it is. And having this schedule with its little boxes so everything can be more manageable, and there’s still room for rest and family and myself sounds more healthy balanced to me, which is the goal or it really should be. I didn’t see that in my mom’s life. I will have to accept my limits and be strong standing by them. I thought it was because I am very sensitive I can’t do much, but this exercise has showed me that it’s not about being too sensitive, it’s about being realistic of what is humanly doable/possible for me, not the voice and what it can do, but I can do. I will have to risk disappointment.