Moving forward is scary. Bursting through that comfort zone isn’t always what we want to do. This weekend I had a down day. My energy was knee deep in the past and I was feeling downright awful.
Once again, Sarah, my beagle mix, was my teacher. Last night for the first time in a long time, she was pacing the hallways and not listening to me and reverting to old behaviors. This is how she was when we lived at the other house and when life was filled with chaos. What a great picture she gave me to see my own energy reflected back. I even had the nerve to get mad at Sarah and yelled at her!
The problem was not that I wasn’t moving forward, but I finally was. I had moved past boulders of childhood and current stuff and was coming to the end of understanding so much. I even had realized what this new Ronni wanted in her life. That’s when fear stepped in. With fear, I tend to grab on mentally and rework and analyze things to pieces, whatever I can grab onto. This usually involves pouring over notebooks and writing. I do believe that is what I did the other day.
I think this is a normal part of the process for most of us. We grab onto “backwards” when we find ourselves moving forwards quickly into an unknown. It must be a human thing.
So I ask myself what I am truly needing instead of chastising myself. A new concept! I need to grieve, yes. That’s part of the process. Looking at the past, I can still hold on to what worked or what was dear, but then I get very lost in the pain and what didn’t. I think I need to find a way to soften the moving forward so I feel safe. In meditation I saw myself like Alice in Wonderland after she takes the “eat me” or was it, “drink me.” She grows so big she is cramped into a tiny hallway and finally her limbs burst through the windows of the house. Being that big can be a bit scary. Change is scary. Losing what was support and foundation is scary. Can in this moment I make a safe nest among the change?
I immediately think of Speedy, my tortoise. When I let him out in the morning, I watch as he zooms around the house confidently exploring all that he can. He’s so brave as he conquers obstacles in the way like dog tails and shoes. But when he feels scared or threatened, he pops his head in or finds a corner to hide for a little while. In his tank, he heads for his little turtle tunnel to hide under. I need to create a safe corner or tunnel for in between my explorations into this new world. Maybe that is what all the ruminating about the past is about–popping my head into the past because it’s comfortable and known. It’s an unsuccessful attempt to have a stop in my movement.
Today I will explore a healthier safe corner to pop my head into instead.
Ronni's Psychic Room 