Why are all our big lessons so hard to learn?
Last night on date night, I got sick on dinner and almost had a full-blown panic attack in my favorite hang-out, Barnes and Noble. A little FYI, Pampass Grass (for recentering) and Rose 81 (for calming down after emotional breakthrough) brought me out of the attack pretty quickly.
It occurred to me in that moment, that perhaps, just maybe, I could be asking too much of myself right now. I’ve been up nightly with Foxy, our red dog, since December, who is progressing nicely now, but had been seriously ill. Before that, we had a crisis with our special needs daughter that left us beat-up and spent for months. Do I grant myself a rest? No. I plunge forward! I’m a soldier. Strong and independent.I can prove it! I can take on and handle whatever God or the world throws at me.
When our bills got out of hand to pay for Foxy’s care, we posted on our blogs, and pleaded, tried to raise money and worked harder still. More exhaustion. Because, certainly, we should be able to have tons of money for care, right? But Foxy was getting better on her own accord. She was healing herself. We were assisting with some meds and fluids. Friends came out of the woodwork to help with more natural methods. It wasn’t all my responsibility to heal her. But still, I put the pressure on myself. I was a bad parent for not having everything we needed, and this was echoed in the shaming vet we dealt with.
We watched as money dwindled, and because of the economy, relatives held tighter to their wallets out of fear, and in the process, pulled away emotional support too. They were nowhere to be seen! (After all, she’s an old dog anyway. Ouch. And I mean, big ouch). We felt seriously abandoned and more tired!
My reaction through all of this was to push harder, work harder, and yell at myself for not trying enough! Nice, huh?
But today, after flipping out in Barnes and Noble, and becoming good pals with the toilet (awful visual), I realized that when I blame the world around me for not being supportive and asking for too much, maybe I am doing this to myself. The world will always do this in one way or another. The folks who were withdrawing their money were not emotionally supportive either. And, those who were supportive, would be so even if I didn’t do a thing–didn’t try at all. An amazing concept. This trauma just brought this knowing to light.
Could I recognize that what I do is enough? That it would have to be in this moment? Could I support myself and ask less? Could I recognize how much I already was doing? Pat myself on the back for a bit. Could I change this pattern and not find myself wanting to puke and panic in my place of worship?
We do what we can.
Ronni's Psychic Room 